Instruments of War :: Official site for the Enemy Territory clan Instruments of War

Instruments of War ComedyJoke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT**

#1: Joke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT** Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:05 pm

Laughing is fun. So is sarcasm.

I'll use this thread to post some daily comedy for you all to enjoy. I am certainly not the author or creator of anything contained hereafter:

-BECKhanson
-------------------------------------------

Guys - start shopping for Christmas next year. The perfect gift for your wife/girlfriend.

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that.
But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi- regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating out:.. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

-original author unknown

Accurate Portrayal of the sexes

#2: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:30 pm

HAHAHAH LMAO!!!!!!
Nice find Beck,funny shit. Laughing

#3: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:02 am

-----------------
A guy walks into a bar. Before he can even order a drink he notices a horse standing in the corner with a big pot of money in front of him. Puzzeled, he asks the bar tendor what is up with that horse.
"That is a little game actually," states the bar tendor. "You put a dollar in the pot, and whisper anything in the horses ear you want. If you can make that horse laugh, that money is yours!"
"Oh, is that is?" Asks the man, "that'll be a piece of cake."
So he walks over, puts a dollar in the pot, and whispers something in the horses ear. For the first time, the horse started laughing hysterically. Satisfied, the man picks up his prize and leaves.

A year later, the man returns to the bar, only to see the same horse, with a whole new pot full of money in front of him. The man asks the bar tendor, "Hey, is it still the same deal?"
"Not quite, this time, you have to do something to make the horse cry."
The man puts in his dollar, and does something that no one can see. A smile appears on the mans face as a whimpering sound comes from the horses mouth. The bar tendor is astonished! "How did you do that?" he asks.
"Well," replies the man, "The first time I told him I have a bigger penis than he does. And this time, I proved it to him."

Laughing

#4: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:17 am

Well it prolly would've been funnier if it wasn't a true story.....THAT MAN IS ME!!!!!! Laughing

#5: Author: mayol,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:46 pm

At first I thought it was a life story of BECK.. but now I see who was involved Smile

#6: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Jan 08, 2006 11:38 pm

Kinda dumb, but I was in a hurry tonight...
--------------------------------------------------
The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Imma just tellum my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

#7: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 09, 2006 9:51 am

Laughing

Dead Cow & The Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Laughing

#8: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:48 am

LMAO!!!!! Now that's a good joke. Laughing

#9: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:19 am

Laughing

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going up into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner lady, who was appreciably easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more shapely woman who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she exclaimed. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute "drop dead" beauty. Slim, attractive, busty, the works. "Have wild gorilla sex with me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound grotesque man with armpit hair showing and flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man questioned. "Hello" grunted the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"
Laughing

#10: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:27 am

Laughing

#11: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:36 am

Some bonus comedy today - Stev0, you should appreciate this one.... Wink

---------------------

All About Scooby-Doo.

What We Remember:

Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:

Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy's mask off to solve a mystery,.. but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids always seem to 'find' trouble.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence: Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.
Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slingin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin' their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

-ORIGINAL AUTHOR UNKNOWN

#12: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:45 am

Just as I expected,I always knew Shaggy and Scoob where wasted,and that Fred was waxin Daphne.........but Velma and Scooby makin sweet lovin.....total surprise. Shocked

#13: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 11, 2006 9:56 am

Laughing

The Smartest Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Laughing

#14: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:10 am

Get the latest keyboards from Dell:

#15: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:34 am

Does it have a "GO FUCK YOURSELF U FUCKING HAXOR" button? Smile

#16: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:53 am

STEVOOO420 wrote: › Does it have a "GO FUCK YOURSELF U FUCKING HAXOR" button? Smile

That would be sweet. I'll have to suggest that one to them.

#17: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 1:51 pm

ok, some of the starter jokes were old ones i heard before. But the cow one was most hilarious. I am surprised stevO didnt chime in that he was the young man in the story, since he claims be hung better then a horse.

#18: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 2:06 pm

Why is it that out of 99.9% of your posts,I am always getting mentioned Nort?HMMMMM......i'm starting to get worried now. Wink

#19: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 2:15 pm

cause you is the post whore. so i know you will be checking posts to see when you getting put down!

#20: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:24 pm

Nort wrote: › ok, some of the starter jokes were old ones i heard before. But the cow one was most hilarious. I am surprised stevO didnt chime in that he was the young man in the story, since he claims be hung better then a horse.

Technically, they're all pretty old jokes - I'm ripping them from a joke website I created back in like 1997, that is still persisting out on Tripod. But some of the younger peops might appreciate them.

I've got a ton of stuff in my Outlook e-mail box that I've gotten over the years that I'd love to post here, except I don't have enough bandwidth anywhere to host most of it. It's some funny shit though.

#21: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 13, 2006 10:00 am

Okay - those of you who are under 18, do not read this joke. It's bad. Oh wait, it's okay, as long as you don't read the title and your head isn't in the gutter.
-BECK

-------------

You Know how to make Love recipe....

Ingredients:
2 x Laughing eyes
2 x Well shaped legs
2 x Loving arms
2 x Firm milk containers

2 x Nuts
1 x Fur lined mixing bowl
1 x firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes .

2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (for best results, continue to knead milk containers).

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises leave town !!!!!!

#22: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 13, 2006 10:05 am

"If cake rises leave town!!!!!" Laughing

#23: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 13, 2006 10:07 am

STEVOOO420 wrote: › "If cake rises leave town!!!!!" Laughing

Dude - that joke was so bad I almost didn't post it.

#24: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 13, 2006 10:23 am

Yeah I can tell.....I pretty much highlighted the best part of that joke.

#25: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Jan 14, 2006 12:00 am

Nice jokes beck couldnot have found one better my self

#26: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 16, 2006 11:18 pm

Have you found this dialog?
---------------------------------------

#27: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:01 am

Nice one madeintheusa. Say my regardes to yr father for he is the real hero of this joke. (i am just joking)

{Or may i} Twisted Evil

#28: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 18, 2006 10:41 pm

[center:0ebedc1122]A Little Head???[/center:0ebedc1122]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

#29: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:13 pm

Laughing

- funny

------------------------
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and his ticket home. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab.

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well whom should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could get his revenge. He got into the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said ok, and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver.

#30: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 24, 2006 10:04 am

House Painting

A woman hired a contractor to repaint her house interior. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked over to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He closed the window and continued to follow the woman to the next room. The woman looking confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted light rose. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up; out my window everytime I tell you the color I would like my room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

#31: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 25, 2006 9:54 am

Ice cream...

A little boy is in school woking on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and saya to her "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The liitle boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away, leaving none on the fence." She replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting her cone, and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomforatbly and then finally says, "Well, I guess the one sucking her ice cream cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

#32: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 25, 2006 10:44 am

HHAHAHAH Now that's a good joke Laughing

#33: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:53 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › LOL Beck those are some good jokes. Perfect for "work" because Im "working" right now. LOL Im getting paid to make a post muhahahaha

It's great, isn't it?

wait....."ching ching ching"......that's the money that is flowing into my bank account right now....."ching ching ching".....still flowing, still posting!

Laughing

-BECK

Some occupational humor for us "workers":
----------------------------------

Top 10 things that sound dirty at the office, but aren't

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Better Learn the Language First!
A Texas engineer while in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ``Gama Su!, Gama Su!''. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese engineering colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling ``Gama Su! Gama Su!''. Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: ``Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?''

Anatomy by Profession
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like software engineers. You open them up and do everything at a keyboard."

The fifth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

#34: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:12 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Beck I suppose that you are sent these jokes by email? Or do you spend your time at work looking for good jokes? Oh the mysteries of Posting Whoring.

Actually, I'm harvesting these from a joke website that I made back in the 90's, that still out on Tripod. I'd put the URL here, but I'd rather not so that I can just keep putting the jokes I like here instead.

Back then, almost all of the jokes did come from e-mails I had received over the years.

#35: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:31 am

Yo bechanson nice jokes but i donot seem to understand the small head. But never mind all i wanted to say is plz do not sent the link. Then it will be boring.

#36: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:45 am

Like Made said to Onslaught..We can explain it to you,but then it wouldn't be as funny. Wink

#37: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:08 am

Omega - you're from Sri Lanka, right (cool BTW) -- so the "little head" think may be a cultural thing for you. It means something to us Americans....I'll leave it at that.

I won't post the link, just keep placing selected gems here...

Speaking of jokes people don't get - only the oldest of us (Nort, Stev0, Made and a few others, I'm sure) will probably think this is funny:

-BECK

------------------------------------------

You Know You're A Child of the 80's when....

- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". - You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. - Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a Child of the 80's!!!!

#38: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:16 am

Ah yes...the 80's,such a great decade. The only decade u could roll up the bottom of your pants and it actually would be considered cool. Rolling Eyes

Do you guys remember the Sigma bikes,with the wheel covers?I always wanted one of those but never got one. Sad

And I pity the fool who never had a swatch!!!

#39: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:46 am

STEVOOO420 wrote: › Ah yes...the 80's,such a great decade. The only decade u could roll up the bottom of your pants and it actually would be considered cool. Rolling Eyes

Do you guys remember the Sigma bikes,with the wheel covers?I always wanted one of those but never got one. Sad

And I pity the fool who never had a swatch!!!

Bonus points for Stev0 - nice use of the "A-Team" Mr. T lingo there!

Oh man - BMX bikes were the shit in the 80s - I remember the wheel covers! And the black and white checker-pattern bar pads, to go with your checker-pattern Vans.

#40: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 1:30 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Do you remember the movie Rad? It had a ton of BMX bikes. Any way yes I, do remeber most of that stuff.

Shit yeah! I used to watch that movie like every weekend. Embarassed

#41: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:41 am

Dude,I actually paid for the DVD version with the Soundtrack on ebay.The company actually doesn't make a DVD.......technology these days. Cool

#42: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:12 am

I'd prolly be bitching at you if it wasn't true. O well.....(sings)Send me an angel,send me an angel,right now. Laughing

#43: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:29 am

OMG! Laughing

Fucking "Rad". I haven't thought of that shit for years.....I think my parents still have the VHS at their house.

I always thought the race at the end of the movie was the shit...so you actually bought the DVD from E-Bay? Man, if someone is selling it, someone will buy it. What a great world we live in.

- BECK

-----------------------------------

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:

"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

#44: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:45 am

LOL u should have posted it in yr joke post. FOr that is a good one. Razz

#45: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:56 am

OmegaBlade wrote: › LOL u should have posted it in yr joke post. FOr that is a good one. Razz

UHHHh what do you think he did? Rolling Eyes

#46: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 31, 2006 9:20 am

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

#47: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 01, 2006 11:09 am

More improvements I'd like to see. I hate those damned animated helpers in Microsoft products:

#48: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:53 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › LOL, I like em I wish I could edit my assistant to look like Jessica Alba that would be nice.

For real! Then, there could be a "show me your titties" option. Laughing

#49: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 12:26 am

Well she gets my vote

[web]

[/web]

#50: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:56 am

Lol sorry stevoo420 i was thinging of something else. Thats y i said him to post it in his joke post. SORRY. Embarassed

I was just busy.

#51: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:55 am

The 7 Deadly Sins & Gilligans Island

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Run with me on this one...

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".)

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.

Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.

#52: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 1:54 pm

Gilligan always wore red also.hmmmm makes ya think,especially on WEED!!! Twisted Evil

#53: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:02 pm

STEVOOO420 wrote: › especially on WEED!!! Twisted Evil

I hear that bro! Now don't get all paranoid on me Laughing

#54: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:17 pm

Joke quickie for the day - just heard this one -- LMFAO...

Q: "how do you get on the gay internet?"

A: "C: enter"

#55: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:09 am

This is kinda old, but funny anyway.

- BECK

--------------------------------------------

You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

------------------------------

I know that we've got some Tech Support peops here - this might be appreciated by you:

TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"

And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

#56: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:57 am

Bonus for today. This is some funny shit.

Next time you go on a flight, think about this:

- BECK

===========================

#57: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:18 pm

Laughing

made!

#58: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:16 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › I will have him email me more if you liked that one, he has a ton of 'em

Sure - post 'um here, that's what this thread is for Cool

#59: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 04, 2006 9:37 am

LOL yr thread is becoming very big ever thought about a new post or something. Just saying Idea

#60: Author: smAk1,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 04, 2006 1:56 pm

lol, never seen 6 pages before on one topic, but it is a good topic.

#61: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:52 pm

You should chek out the 8 page spread on the "Nort read the recent topic" thread.

#62: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Feb 05, 2006 11:56 am

No new post!

The longer the better! Let it grow baby!

#63: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Feb 05, 2006 12:00 pm

BECKhanson wrote: › No new post!

The longer the better! Let it grow baby!

Wow....that sounds really faggy.... Embarassed

#64: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 06, 2006 5:45 am

Those ar some good jokes made real good. Very Happy

But the last one was out of the roof. U do know small children ar reading these posts(that would be me) What am i saying plz post more more i say more Twisted Evil

#65: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 06, 2006 9:16 am

From reading that post I would say that Omega is cleaning his club as we speak......NASTY!!!! Laughing

#66: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 06, 2006 9:23 am

STEVOOO420 wrote: › From reading that post I would say that Omega is cleaning his club as we speak......NASTY!!!! Laughing

BTW - Made, you should spread it out man! Nice jokes though, you spammer.

-BECK

---------------------------------

MIRACLE BRA ALTERNATIVE

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

#67: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 06, 2006 1:40 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Well, I try to spam every chance I get.
BTW did you know that Hawaii eats more spam per year then the rest of the nation?

I did, actually. I saw some show on Food network or something that featured a bunch of Hawaiian recipes with Spam.

"Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam & Eggs." - Python

#68: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:32 am

mmm....all this talk about Spam is making me hungry.

Not.

- BECK

------------------- stupid joke warning -------------------

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are your doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

#69: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:37 pm

Dude - those are fricken funny man.

The hamburger one - that's fucked up though....
The CIA one - funny shit.

Laughing is fun.

#70: Author: smAk1,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 07, 2006 1:09 pm

omfg, i cant stop laughing form the cia one.

#71: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 08, 2006 3:38 am

Yo made those ar some sick jokes man. Post more plz and u also beck. Laughing

#72: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 08, 2006 9:23 am

Laughing

He he he....

==========================

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

#73: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 08, 2006 10:41 am

i need to check these jokes more often. made really has some astounding good jokes.

#74: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 08, 2006 10:47 am

Nort wrote: › i need to check these jokes more often. made really has some astounding good jokes.

What about me? I've put on 80% of um.... Crying or Very sad

#75: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:22 pm

well i havent read much of them. i just saw the cia and hamburger. but your last joke ive seen variations of before, 2 peole make a wish, and the 3rd wishes for them back or somethign that undoes their wish.

JOKE FROM NORT

A Cuban, A Russian, and 2 American lawyers were riding on a train togethor. The cuban pulled out some fine cuban cigars, lights one up and throws the rest of the box out the window. Everyone looks at him and bursts out "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR" to which the cuban replied in cuba we have all the fine cigars we can want. The train continues on down the track and a little bit later the Russian pulls out a nice bottle of russian vodka, he takes a shot and throws the bottle out the window. Everyone questions him "WHY DID YOU TO THAT" to which he replies "IN RUSSIAN VODKA IS LIKE WATER" They sit there in silence for awhile when all of a sudden one of the lawyers jumps up, grabs the lawyer next to him and stuffs him through the window. Everyones eye's pop out and they start yelling "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT!!!" to which the lawyer replies "IN America we have enough fucking lawyers"

#76: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:35 am

Ho that last joke was hell shit how the hell do u make jokes like these or where do u find them. That was super and also the other jokes. Very Happy

#77: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:19 am

Nice one's made!

I can't spam this thread with 5 jokes a day...

----------------------------
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

#78: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 09, 2006 10:16 am

yes made you definetly have some very good jokes, between your picture posting and jokes you are owning a niche market in post whoring.

#79: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 09, 2006 2:31 pm

ill just stick with my comp geek talk, that has most of you lost, excluding beck

#80: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:08 am

in the computer field you dont need to post jokes to have a laugh, just read the real life

Human resources manager calls pilot fish to authorize installation of the payroll system for a new HR employee as soon as possible. "I clear the request with the payroll department and ask the desktop team to push the software," says fish. "Desktop team requests the PC name. HR manager replies that the user doesn't have a PC." OK, fish thinks, let's get him one. He calls the hardware team to install a PC at the new employee's desk. HR manager informs him that the user doesn't have a desk yet -- and won't have an assigned location for another month. Mutters fish, "We'll get right on it."

see, the stupidity of some people make my career interesting. that is story from a computer mag i read. but i have had some incidents that were amusing.

#81: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 8:26 am

LOL i didnot understand a singal thing. But good joke. It is a joke right................................ Embarassed

#82: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 8:40 am

no its a true story from someone that works in the Information Technology department. Basicaly a human resource director ordered that a user get setup with access as soon as possible. But that wanst possible to sit them up becuase they didnt have ANYTHING else, no desk, no computer no nothing and the person ordering they be setup, knew they didnt have anything.

#83: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 8:42 am

ho now i understand thnx nort. Razz

#84: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:13 am

as i said, in the computer world, you dont need jokes. you have end users.

#85: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:20 am

ho i see.................................................. Idea

#86: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:01 pm

DO YOU LIKE TO SCREW?

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"

=====================

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

#87: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:12 am

that 3 girls was good but the 1st one didnot understand Embarassed

#88: Author: smAk1,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 11, 2006 9:32 am

lol, the 2nd one was good, u might live a sheltered life if u didnt get the first one...

#89: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:31 am

smAk1 wrote: › lol, the 2nd one was good, u might live a sheltered life if u didnt get the first one...

Well, he's from Sri Lanka, so you gotta cut him a bit of slack.

Omega - you know what "screw" means, right. I won't explain it if you don't...

The "twist" is a dance style. The dad got his lingo messed up and told the guy to have sex with his daughter, instead of dancing with her. Get it now?

#90: Author: smAk1,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:33 am

oh! sry i didnt see that.

#91: i know what it means Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Feb 12, 2006 7:53 am

lol thnx i do know what s**** means but didnot know what twist was but when u explained twist i understood. thnx and nice jk. Twisted Evil

#92: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:59 am

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

=========================
Shocked

OMG! Don't read this joke! FAIR WARNING:
-BECK

==========================

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Shocked

#93: Author: Frosty,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:05 am

WOW! 9 pages.. it was pretty funny

#94: Author: Frosty,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:10 am

Can u change my name 2 z3ro some1

#95: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 13, 2006 12:56 pm

send a message to godmantis, either message him through here, or send to his email godmantis@iowclan.com he would be the one to change yoru name

#96: Author: DRAGONFIRE,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:17 pm

#97: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 14, 2006 3:28 pm

Laughing

Dragon - nice stuff there!

- BECK

================================

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

================================

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

#98: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 14, 2006 8:07 pm

HAHAHHA TONTO KOWALSKI!!!!!!!! That's great.
The 2nd one is good shit also. LMAO!!!!!!!!! Laughing

#99: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 15, 2006 9:08 am

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

==========================

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked."

#100: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:48 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

- definitely one of those jokes you can't tell, you gotta read it.

#101: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 16, 2006 4:57 pm

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".

#102: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 17, 2006 2:20 pm

sick and wrong and very funny

#103: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 17, 2006 2:35 pm

It it's sick and wrong - then it IS funny!

- BECK

=================================

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. At which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?"

==================

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"

"Yes." replied the man.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.

"I left him home." he answered.

"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home."

"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."

The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"

The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"

#104: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 17, 2006 3:04 pm

ohhh 2 more nice jokes. i really liked that last one, the first part i was sitting there wondering where you were going with that joke but i burst out laughing at the ending.

#105: what nort said Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 18, 2006 5:37 am

shit those ar some funny jokes man................... PLZ continue.

. i canot stop laughing.

#106: joke mine Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 5:43 am

A father is sitting in a chair drinking tea when his daughter comes in as if confused. So he asks y ar u like this for i told u that u can marry the one u loved. For this the girl repleys that he can easyly say that but she has to see whom of her four lovers to marry and thats what she's confused about. Laughing

#107: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 9:58 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

- oh hells yes! I was going to say "brave french fighter pilot" is an oxy-moron. Nice ending. Laughing

#108: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:01 am

Made - I'm a bit concerned about all the Camel sex jokes... Laughing

- BECK

=========================

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the earing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not intereted in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell!

#109: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:15 pm

I was informed that my joke today wasn't very funny. So hopefully this one will make you laugh Embarassed

- BECK

========================

T - G - I - F

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T- G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

#110: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:53 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Well I am not the one writing the jokes, I am just posting 'em.

I know - I was just giving you shit anyway Wink

I like the sick jokes - I'm a bit sick in the head like that Shocked

#111: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:56 pm

I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain. Rolling Eyes

#112: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 2:02 pm

STEVOOO420 wrote: › I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain. Rolling Eyes

It's the logo for the London Underground - their subway system. London'ers call it "the tube". I've been there, it's pretty cool, but it smells like piss down there.

#113: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 2:05 pm

BECKhanson wrote: ›

STEVOOO420 wrote: › I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain. Rolling Eyes

It's the logo for the London Underground - their subway system. London'ers call it "the tube". I've been there, it's pretty cool, but it smells like piss down there.

BTW - since ET is a WWII game, the London Underground was used as a bomb shelter for Londoners during the Battle of Britain and nightly German bombing raids on the city of London.

....a bit of history there for those who care....

When I was in London, I went to the Imperial War Museum, where there have an exhibit called "the blitz experiecne" where you sit in a bomb shelter during a raid - you hear the planes flying over, air raid sirens, smell smoke, hear explosiions - then you walk out of the shelter and see the city burning - it was a pretty neat experience.

#114: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 2:15 pm

UMMM.....thanx.But I asked Made.You nosy bastard. Evil or Very Mad

HAHAH j/k Thanx for the explanation. Laughing

#115: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 2:53 pm

STEVOOO420 wrote: › UMMM.....thanx.But I asked Made.You nosy bastard. Evil or Very Mad

HAHAH j/k Thanx for the explanation. Laughing

- hey man, I see an opportunity to respond, I'll jump right in there and take it! Laughing

#116: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Feb 20, 2006 5:09 pm

Leave it to Beck to come up with a response, btw nice I have actually never been to the Underground, but I am told it is a lot better then it used to be. My friends just got back from a trip to Europe, lucky bastards, nice pics I want to go to Prague really bad now. Or even to the Ukraine, the exchange rate there is amazing im told, a beer and a hot dog for 1.25 USD, a full course meal for 10.25 USD that is with two pitchures of beer, and dessert, with the tip.

#117: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 21, 2006 10:37 am

Who needs jokes when you have real life? I was reading one of my favorite online computer magazines and in it they post real life stories. this one just really made me laugh!

User stops support pilot fish in the hall and says, "My laptop won't connect to the Internet at home anymore." Fish: Did we configure the laptop for wireless? User: "I don't know." Who is your ISP? "I don't know." Did you set up your own wireless system at home? "I don't know." Hmm, thinks fish, then asks, "Did someone close by move recently?" User: "Yes, my upstairs neighbor." Fish: "I think it's time to move."

#118: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:44 am

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat avaialable. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

=============================

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."

=============================

Out of cigarettes...

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down the the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 A.M. and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then goes home. "Where the Hell have you been?!?!?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but it was closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered in powder and..."You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!"

#119: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:13 am

now that last one i liked, glad you were able to come back with some good jokes!

#120: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:28 am

Nort wrote: › now that last one i liked, glad you were able to come back with some good jokes!

I'm having to dig down deep now...

Surprised you didn't like the Tech support one...

#121: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:30 am

that one is old, heard to many variations of it already with basically the ssame punch lines to it

#122: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:32 am

It's 8 a.m., and support pilot fish gets a call from the help desk. The problem: An executive is complaining that his e-mail is broken again.
"I get his office number and head down to see what the problem is this week," fish says. "The exec says he hasn't been able to receive any mail for over an hour. I take a quick look at basic settings, and they seem OK. Last e-mail in his in-box is over an hour and a half old."

What's changed in the last hour and a half? fish asks. Exec: Nothing, it just stopped working. What have you been working on this morning? asks fish. Exec replies that he's been wading through the spam in his in-box. That's what he was doing when mail just stopped arriving.

Hmm, thinks fish. "I ask if he has any mailbox rules, and he replies, why yes, and he was just working on them. He seems to think this reply is consistent with the 'Nothing, it just stopped working' response that came out of his mouth 30 seconds earlier," fish grumbles.

"Examining his mailbox rules, I find a new rule created an hour and a half before by this executive with a Ph.D. The rule reads: When new mail arrives, permanently delete."

#123: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 24, 2006 10:18 am

Made - I actually have that SAT test as an HTML form on my joke page - I used to get responses from it everyday - you should see the shit people put as their essay answer (these are REAL submissions):

-BECK
=======================

ESSAY: Yo mamma.
NAME: Jigga

ESSAY: da man iz dat bitch azz trick over dere
NAME: smoke

ESSAY: I AM! da woman.
NAME: MegAy

ESSAY: i beez da man yo. datz wat da honies be sayin yo.
NAME: diznog

ESSAY: i da shiiittttt
NAME: hhhheeeellll nnnoooooo

ESSAY: I be's da man
NAME: Big Papa Dan

ESSAY: my man shawn is the man because he's the shit
NAME: erinss20

ESSAY: well joe always says hes da man, so i guess joe is da man
NAME: chelle

ESSAY: i don' no maff
NAME: cheezeburger

ESSAY: man x be da man
NAME: T-Hop

ESSAY: The White Man RAHOWA!
NAME: Amy Behrens

ESSAY: ME IS THE MAIN MAN LOOKIN FOR POONANI IN DA HOOD WITH ME BITCHES
NAME: DA BIATCH

ESSAY: MEEZ THE MAN.BIG UP 2 ALL THE POONANI WAITIN FOR THE BEAST WHICH IS BETWEEN MEEZ LEGS.
NAME: DA BIATCH

ESSAY: i is da moff fuckin man
NAME: gmoney

ESSAY: i am da WO man
NAME: ashley

ESSAY: mo fo IRS taxin ma mo fo pay check, dis nigga ain't got no dough fo heez chronic
NAME: yo mamma sucks deez nutz

ESSAY: Zee man be anyz buddy thatz tighter than shit squeezed out ass in da morning
NAME: bideo1

ESSAY: hey yo mo fo! i am da man. ya thaz rite i am da man, i am the mo fo man!
NAME: Moment

ESSAY: 2 pacdizy,Snoop, DR.D, be t he shits
NAME: DDCM

ESSAY: Me da man cuz all u mafucrs r shitzin me cuz i capped ya az and YO MAMMA
NAME: Mr. Floppy

ESSAY: dam pig az donut eatr
NAME: mike

ESSAY: BOB MARLEY
NAME: SEVEN

ESSAY: Sum sarry' ass mo fo comin' up in mah face tryin' to tek all mah G's, keys and liberties away know wha 'm sayin'?
NAME: Da G-Dawg, site

ESSAY: Waaaaaazzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaappppp!!!!!! You d' man mutha f@#%a!
NAME: Da Man

ESSAY: you are asshole
NAME: time up

ESSAY: he is I and I am him, slim wit da tilted brim
NAME: fred

ESSAY: Da man beez the po-lice but as NWA saz f*ck tha Police
NAME: Baptista

ESSAY: i wooda afta say da prezedent a da unided stats cause he gets all them intern wemenz.
NAME: Drunken Turkey

ESSAY: Da man ish dem fools who be like all up in da busnes not tryin to let a gyrl get her smok on all harrassin folkz and shi.
NAME: ***$Katie$***

ESSAY: u do man bucause u thought of the test.
NAME: marshal

----------
And a funny image for the day:

#124: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 07, 2006 3:03 pm

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree??

You better hold onto your nuts cuase this aint no ordinary blow job

#125: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Mar 09, 2006 8:56 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Brokeback, Wyoming

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,"Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

OMG! Dude, that is bad.....I LOVE IT! Laughing

#126: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Mar 10, 2006 12:10 pm

Flashback to the late 1980s, when this pilot fish and the VP he reports to are getting a sales pitch for a new manufacturing system.
First comes the walk-through of the system. Then fish sits with the senior salesman to get technical specs, while his boss gets the chance to explore more features of the software.

Reports fish, "The senior salesman says to me, 'Our system is completely idiot-proof.' From years of experience in IT, I know how wrong that idea can be and reply, 'If you think so, then you just haven't yet met a big enough idiot.'

"At exactly that instant, from across the room we hear the other sales rep say that the program has crashed.

"Turns out my boss was entering some data and got a message saying he could abort the transaction with ESCAPE. So that's exactly what he did. He typed 'ESCAPE' and pressed the Return key.

"Not only did he take down the application software, the entire system froze and had to be hard restarted by one of their techs before we could continue."

#127: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:33 pm

that last joke was really good! i like it!

#128: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Mar 10, 2006 4:11 pm

LOL, that last on is pretty good also!

#129: i couldnot Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Mar 11, 2006 1:05 am

i couldn't stop laughing for those two jokes......... GREAT ONE BRO. Very Happy

#130: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Mar 13, 2006 9:37 am

some good shyte today:

It's the mid-1990s, and as this big company converts from Windows 3.1 to Windows 95, all the PCs on one floor are freezing intermittently. "The culprit: a Win 95 system with file and print sharing enabled, which caused a network storm that knocked the 3.1 systems off," says a pilot fish there. When it starts again, an e-mail reminder is sent out -- and a desktop support guy replies, "I have six users who need to share a CD. I will do whatever it takes to make them happy." Fish's response: "While your six users are working away, my 200 users are twiddling their thumbs. I doubt the company sees that as a net gain."

User calls support pilot fish complaining that her spell checker takes 20 minutes to run when she opens a document. Fish checks her settings and turns off grammar and spell check, then notices that there are more than 1,800 pages in the document. "Further digging reveals that the user has only one document," says fish. "She adds pages instead of creating new documents." Why? "To save space."

#131: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Mar 13, 2006 9:39 am

Things to ponder during "Awaiting Gamestate"
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

#132: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Mar 13, 2006 9:42 am

FAMOUS PREDICTIONS .... BY EXPERTS

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899

"There will never be a bigger plane built."
--A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247,
a twin engine plane that carried ten people.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit
this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting
the Grand Canyon in 1861.

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will
ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to
be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

"It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
Minister." --Margaret Thatcher, 1974

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
--Business Week, August 2, 1968

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876

"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent
to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response
to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"Who wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, after turning down
the lead role in Gone With The Wind.

"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not
soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
--Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded
Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
--Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
--Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
whatsoever." --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
napping." --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
--Lee DeForest, inventor

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
--William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899

#133: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 9:05 am

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that releasing gas is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Yanni album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

=======================================

When man was first made, he was given only twenty years of normal sex life. Naturally, he was horrified! Only twenty years!

The monkey also was given twenty years, but replied ten years is plenty. The man asked for the monkey's other ten years and it was given to him.

The lion was also given twenty years, but he also said he only needed ten years. Again, man asked for the other ten years, and the lion replied of course.

Then came the donkey, and he was also given twenty years, but like the other animals, ten years was enough for him. And again man asked and was given ten more years.

Now, this explains why man today has twenty years of normal sex life, then ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and last of all ten years of making an ass of himself.

#134: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:12 pm

ohhh that last one was somewhat amusing Smile

the dog one was too much spam reading for me. LOL

#135: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:25 pm

Nort wrote: › ohhh that last one was somewhat amusing Smile

the dog one was too much spam reading for me. LOL

True. True.

Let me give you the highlights:

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that releasing gas is funny.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

#136: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 3:14 pm

You forgot to mention the one that says:

Dog's dont look at you funny when u tell them to lick peanut butter off of your........o wait....nvm.... Embarassed

#137: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 4:00 pm

HEHEH Sorry to upset u but I don't have any pets at all. Laughing

#138: Author: dday,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Mar 21, 2006 4:05 pm

Why did the women cross the road?...............................................Thats not the fuckin point who gave her shoes and permission out of the kitchen!!!!!!!

women=nubby cause hes a lil bitch too Smile

#139: Author: warriorinwoods,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 22, 2006 8:12 am

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge .lol.....

#140: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:21 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › My sinister sent me this...

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To

Save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with

Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make

One of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next

Morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and

watched him all night.

"The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same

thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said,

"That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn.. Frank was a big, burly ex-football

player; a man's man The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed

And bushy-tailed, with a cheerful "Good Morning!" They couldn't believe it .They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.....

He sat up and watched me all night.

BAH HA HA HA! LMAO. Too funny dude...you and your fricken Gary Coleman avatar - it cracks me up everytime I see it. Cool

#141: Author: chic,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:42 pm

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

#142: Author: chic,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:50 pm

BECK wrote: › LMAO - that's fricken hilarious. I'm sending this to my wife, she'll hate it Very Happy

EDIT: Wow, needless to say, my spell checker when ape-shit when I tried to send that e-mail LOL.

source is from my utopia friends Wink

#143: Author: chic,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:01 pm

Perfect Employee

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

#144: Author: krissy,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 5:51 am

Laughing

Good one...

#145: Author: DrEvil,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 6:51 am

Make Me Piss Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

#146: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:09 am

point scored to dr evil. that last one was pretty good.

#147: Author: krissy,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 8:22 am

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. <>

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. <>When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything........

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

#148: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 8:45 am

I swear the bunk beds joke was posted once before

#149: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:43 am

DrEvil wrote: ›

Make Me Piss Vodka

Go back a few pages and you'll see that I already posted this joke. LMAO.

What? You mean you didn't read every single joke before you put this one here? Cool

Geez people, there's only 17 pages of stuff to read through. Laughing

#150: Author: DrEvil,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 15, 2006 10:18 am

No kidding yeap you sure did LMAO, ya know I am new to this thread and LOL of course I haven't read through them all. Hmmm, maybe now I will.

#151: Author: krissy,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jun 20, 2006 5:31 am

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

#152: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jun 20, 2006 8:56 am

Test

#153: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Jun 25, 2006 7:05 pm

If some of you dont know I, work in the I.T. field. This is something my co-workers and I came up with.

The STFU server was trying to process a WTF command and got an ID 10 T error.

I am going to reset your F.O.A.D.

Please wait a few moments while the WTH finishes loading.

#154: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:04 pm

My father sent me this one...

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down
for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

#155: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 29, 2006 6:18 am

shit, work wont let me shut down the pc and go home. but i should be shutting down i failed thatone also

#156: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:14 am

HAHAH don't feel bad,here I am in front of the computer putting on some imaginary sunglasses on. Laughing

#157: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:36 pm

My sister sent me this one...

Quickie #1:
One day, Jay came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2:
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

Quickie #4:
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he
had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the
letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5:
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Quickie #6:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

Quickie #7:
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years

#158: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:51 am

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

#159: Author: Quizzle,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Jul 09, 2006 3:59 am

There are four types of a women's orgasm

1. Postive Orgasm-------- Oh Yes! Oh Yes!
2. Negative Orgasm------ Oh No! Oh No!
3. Religious Orgasm------ Oh God! Oh God!
4. Fake Orgasm----------- Oh PistolPete! Oh PistolPete!

:]

#160: driving jk Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sun Jul 09, 2006 9:02 am

A husband and a wife are driving some where far and suddenly they have a fight and are mad at each other. When they are passing through the farm the wife says that those pigs are relation to u. And the husband says "yes they are my in-laws."

#161: Author: krissy,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:15 am

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or
not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucketbecause it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

#162: come up with Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:22 am

How do u guys come up with this jokes. These are killing me......... Laughing

#163: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Jul 15, 2006 6:09 am

ANGER MANAGEMENT
Body: When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd
been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in
front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

#164: joke man Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Sat Jul 15, 2006 6:19 am

While omega was walking in the strees Peter saw him and noticed that omega had one glove in one hand and not on the other so he asked why. Omega replied that the weather forecast said that on one hand it will be warm and on the other hand it will be cold.

#165: for kids Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jul 21, 2006 5:31 am

Teacher: Omega how old were you on your very last birthday?
Omega: 14
Teacher:Then how old will you be on your next birthday?
Omega: 16
Teacher: Thats impossible!
Omega: No teacher, I'm 15 today

A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. "You know" he said, "its been 10 years since i came here." "Don't blame me," the waiter snapped, "I'm working as fast as i can."

#166: another one Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jul 21, 2006 5:51 am

A young child walked upto her mother and stared at her hair. As the mother scrubbed the dishes the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked, "Why do u have some grey strands in your hair?" The mother pause and looked at her daughter, "Every time u disobey me, i get one strand of grey hair. If u want me to stay pretty, u had beeter obey me." Saying that the mother quickly returned to her task of washing the dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again, and sweetly asked, "Mother, why is grandma's hair all grey?"

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

#167: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jul 25, 2006 3:44 pm

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *

#168: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:22 pm

Good joke Nortie.

#169: Author: Karnivore,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jul 25, 2006 8:34 pm

LOL, through that whole thing it seemed drawn out and lame, but you pulled through at the end Nortie! Good joke!

#170: that was good Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:26 pm

Nort that was good........ AM still laughing.. Wel i am not but i need to encourage beginners. JOKING Razz

#171: parents like Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:42 pm

A man comes home from work and find wife screwing his cousine in the closet.
Wat the hell are you doing?! the man asks. Im riding a bus, his cousine replies.
That's a stupid thing to say!
Thats a stupid thing to ask!

#172: Author: PistolPete,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:26 am

Quizzle wrote: › There are four types of a women's orgasm

1. Postive Orgasm-------- Oh Yes! Oh Yes!
2. Negative Orgasm------ Oh No! Oh No!
3. Religious Orgasm------ Oh God! Oh God!
4. Fake Orgasm----------- Oh PistolPete! Oh PistolPete!

:]

dick

#173: Author: PistolPete,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:28 am

lmao good one nort

#174: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:50 am

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

#175: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:03 pm

StEVoNuB420 wrote: › A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Laughing

Nice one bro!

#176: Author: Nort,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:43 pm

ohh yes, that one definetly is a good one. this joke thread keeps is great for my partying. whenver i need ammunition before a night out, i just look at this thread!

#177: Author: Tangik,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:08 pm

BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.

PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA----MEHICAN HACKER

#178: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:52 pm

Haven't posted any jokes in FOREVER....so:

======================
Top 5 Smartass Responses of 2006
========================

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not

your stub."

*****************

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a

stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*******************

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

*******************

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up

for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks

to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got

stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out

of gas."

*******************

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal

injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it

, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete

and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter

and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the

student, shaking her head, and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have

to write the exam with your other hand."

#179: nice one Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 22, 2006 8:15 pm

Real nice one beck. Laughing

#180: Author: chic,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:57 am

I ve read this already..Hmmm. I forgot where and when. nvm. Good joke!

#181: wtf Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:01 am

Wat the hell page number 14 has nothing in it. Any way who posted that link i think it might be virues so donot open it until he identifies who he is that posted it.

How can u post without signing in, sumone tell me.

#182: Author: Karnivore,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:28 am

If you click that link you are either gay or retarded.

#183: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:31 am

Post in question has been deleted, and I'm going to lock down ALL forums for registered users only.

Fucking dickless asshole. Evil or Very Mad

#184: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 14, 2006 9:59 am

Jokes have been moved here:

http://www.iowclan.net/php/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=1606&sid=bcd05fe78cb03a2b0b9eb285ce373bb2

#185: Author: KerpZ,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 13, 2007 3:11 pm

This is funny as shit. The picture is hilarious beyond anything,

Instruments of War ComedyJoke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT**

Generated using printer-friendly.
All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

[Page generation time: 2.7218s (PHP: 47% | SQL: 53%) | SQL queries: 594 | GZIP disabled | Debug on]