that one is old, heard to many variations of it already with basically the ssame punch lines to it

It's 8 a.m., and support pilot fish gets a call from the help desk. The problem: An executive is complaining that his e-mail is broken again.
"I get his office number and head down to see what the problem is this week," fish says. "The exec says he hasn't been able to receive any mail for over an hour. I take a quick look at basic settings, and they seem OK. Last e-mail in his in-box is over an hour and a half old."

What's changed in the last hour and a half? fish asks. Exec: Nothing, it just stopped working. What have you been working on this morning? asks fish. Exec replies that he's been wading through the spam in his in-box. That's what he was doing when mail just stopped arriving.

Hmm, thinks fish. "I ask if he has any mailbox rules, and he replies, why yes, and he was just working on them. He seems to think this reply is consistent with the 'Nothing, it just stopped working' response that came out of his mouth 30 seconds earlier," fish grumbles.

"Examining his mailbox rules, I find a new rule created an hour and a half before by this executive with a Ph.D. The rule reads: When new mail arrives, permanently delete."

Made - I actually have that SAT test as an HTML form on my joke page - I used to get responses from it everyday - you should see the shit people put as their essay answer (these are REAL submissions):

-BECK
=======================

ESSAY: Yo mamma.
NAME: Jigga

ESSAY: da man iz dat bitch azz trick over dere
NAME: smoke

ESSAY: I AM! da woman.
NAME: MegAy

ESSAY: i beez da man yo. datz wat da honies be sayin yo.
NAME: diznog

ESSAY: i da shiiittttt
NAME: hhhheeeellll nnnoooooo

ESSAY: I be's da man
NAME: Big Papa Dan

ESSAY: my man shawn is the man because he's the shit
NAME: erinss20

ESSAY: well joe always says hes da man, so i guess joe is da man
NAME: chelle

ESSAY: i don' no maff
NAME: cheezeburger

ESSAY: man x be da man
NAME: T-Hop

ESSAY: The White Man RAHOWA!
NAME: Amy Behrens

ESSAY: ME IS THE MAIN MAN LOOKIN FOR POONANI IN DA HOOD WITH ME BITCHES
NAME: DA BIATCH

ESSAY: MEEZ THE MAN.BIG UP 2 ALL THE POONANI WAITIN FOR THE BEAST WHICH IS BETWEEN MEEZ LEGS.
NAME: DA BIATCH

ESSAY: i is da moff fuckin man
NAME: gmoney

ESSAY: i am da WO man
NAME: ashley

ESSAY: mo fo IRS taxin ma mo fo pay check, dis nigga ain't got no dough fo heez chronic
NAME: yo mamma sucks deez nutz

ESSAY: Zee man be anyz buddy thatz tighter than shit squeezed out ass in da morning
NAME: bideo1

ESSAY: hey yo mo fo! i am da man. ya thaz rite i am da man, i am the mo fo man!
NAME: Moment

ESSAY: 2 pacdizy,Snoop, DR.D, be t he shits
NAME: DDCM

ESSAY: Me da man cuz all u mafucrs r shitzin me cuz i capped ya az and YO MAMMA
NAME: Mr. Floppy

ESSAY: dam pig az donut eatr
NAME: mike

ESSAY: BOB MARLEY
NAME: SEVEN

ESSAY: Sum sarry' ass mo fo comin' up in mah face tryin' to tek all mah G's, keys and liberties away know wha 'm sayin'?
NAME: Da G-Dawg, site

ESSAY: Waaaaaazzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaappppp!!!!!! You d' man mutha f@#%a!
NAME: Da Man

ESSAY: you are asshole
NAME: time up

ESSAY: he is I and I am him, slim wit da tilted brim
NAME: fred

ESSAY: Da man beez the po-lice but as NWA saz f*ck tha Police
NAME: Baptista

ESSAY: i wooda afta say da prezedent a da unided stats cause he gets all them intern wemenz.
NAME: Drunken Turkey

ESSAY: Da man ish dem fools who be like all up in da busnes not tryin to let a gyrl get her smok on all harrassin folkz and shi.
NAME: ***$Katie$***

ESSAY: u do man bucause u thought of the test.
NAME: marshal




----------
And a funny image for the day:

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree??

You better hold onto your nuts cuase this aint no ordinary blow job

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Brokeback, Wyoming A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,"Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

OMG! Dude, that is bad.....I LOVE IT!

Flashback to the late 1980s, when this pilot fish and the VP he reports to are getting a sales pitch for a new manufacturing system.
First comes the walk-through of the system. Then fish sits with the senior salesman to get technical specs, while his boss gets the chance to explore more features of the software.

Reports fish, "The senior salesman says to me, 'Our system is completely idiot-proof.' From years of experience in IT, I know how wrong that idea can be and reply, 'If you think so, then you just haven't yet met a big enough idiot.'

"At exactly that instant, from across the room we hear the other sales rep say that the program has crashed.

"Turns out my boss was entering some data and got a message saying he could abort the transaction with ESCAPE. So that's exactly what he did. He typed 'ESCAPE' and pressed the Return key.

"Not only did he take down the application software, the entire system froze and had to be hard restarted by one of their techs before we could continue."

that last joke was really good! i like it!

LOL, that last on is pretty good also!

i couldn't stop laughing for those two jokes......... GREAT ONE BRO.

some good shyte today:

It's the mid-1990s, and as this big company converts from Windows 3.1 to Windows 95, all the PCs on one floor are freezing intermittently. "The culprit: a Win 95 system with file and print sharing enabled, which caused a network storm that knocked the 3.1 systems off," says a pilot fish there. When it starts again, an e-mail reminder is sent out -- and a desktop support guy replies, "I have six users who need to share a CD. I will do whatever it takes to make them happy." Fish's response: "While your six users are working away, my 200 users are twiddling their thumbs. I doubt the company sees that as a net gain."


User calls support pilot fish complaining that her spell checker takes 20 minutes to run when she opens a document. Fish checks her settings and turns off grammar and spell check, then notices that there are more than 1,800 pages in the document. "Further digging reveals that the user has only one document," says fish. "She adds pages instead of creating new documents." Why? "To save space."

Things to ponder during "Awaiting Gamestate"
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899


"There will never be a bigger plane built."
--A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247,
a twin engine plane that carried ten people.


"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit
this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting
the Grand Canyon in 1861.


"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will
ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to
be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932


"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
--Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.


"It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
Minister." --Margaret Thatcher, 1974


"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
--Business Week, August 2, 1968


"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949


"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977


"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876


"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent
to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response
to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.


"Who wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.


"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, after turning down
the lead role in Gone With The Wind.


"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not
soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies


"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
--Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded
Apple Computers instead.


"I think there's a world market for about five computers."
--Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.


"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
--Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.


"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
whatsoever." --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre


"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929


"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
napping." --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941


"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
--Lee DeForest, inventor


"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
--William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that releasing gas is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Yanni album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

=======================================

When man was first made, he was given only twenty years of normal sex life. Naturally, he was horrified! Only twenty years!

The monkey also was given twenty years, but replied ten years is plenty. The man asked for the monkey's other ten years and it was given to him.

The lion was also given twenty years, but he also said he only needed ten years. Again, man asked for the other ten years, and the lion replied of course.

Then came the donkey, and he was also given twenty years, but like the other animals, ten years was enough for him. And again man asked and was given ten more years.

Now, this explains why man today has twenty years of normal sex life, then ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and last of all ten years of making an ass of himself.

ohhh that last one was somewhat amusing the dog one was too much spam reading for me. LOL

Nort wrote: › ohhh that last one was somewhat amusing the dog one was too much spam reading for me. LOL

True. True.

Let me give you the highlights:

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that releasing gas is funny.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.