A father is sitting in a chair drinking tea when his daughter comes in as if confused. So he asks y ar u like this for i told u that u can marry the one u loved. For this the girl repleys that he can easyly say that but she has to see whom of her four lovers to marry and thats what she's confused about.

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

- oh hells yes! I was going to say "brave french fighter pilot" is an oxy-moron. Nice ending.

Made - I'm a bit concerned about all the Camel sex jokes...

- BECK

=========================

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the earing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not intereted in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell!

I was informed that my joke today wasn't very funny. So hopefully this one will make you laugh

- BECK

========================

T - G - I - F



A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T- G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Well I am not the one writing the jokes, I am just posting 'em.

I know - I was just giving you shit anyway

I like the sick jokes - I'm a bit sick in the head like that

I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain.

STEVOOO420 wrote: › I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain.

It's the logo for the London Underground - their subway system. London'ers call it "the tube". I've been there, it's pretty cool, but it smells like piss down there.

BECKhanson wrote: › STEVOOO420 wrote: › I don't understand your sig Made.Plz explain. It's the logo for the London Underground - their subway system. London'ers call it "the tube". I've been there, it's pretty cool, but it smells like piss down there.

BTW - since ET is a WWII game, the London Underground was used as a bomb shelter for Londoners during the Battle of Britain and nightly German bombing raids on the city of London.

....a bit of history there for those who care....

When I was in London, I went to the Imperial War Museum, where there have an exhibit called "the blitz experiecne" where you sit in a bomb shelter during a raid - you hear the planes flying over, air raid sirens, smell smoke, hear explosiions - then you walk out of the shelter and see the city burning - it was a pretty neat experience.

UMMM.....thanx.But I asked Made.You nosy bastard.


























HAHAH j/k Thanx for the explanation.

STEVOOO420 wrote: › UMMM.....thanx.But I asked Made.You nosy bastard. HAHAH j/k Thanx for the explanation.

- hey man, I see an opportunity to respond, I'll jump right in there and take it!

Leave it to Beck to come up with a response, btw nice I have actually never been to the Underground, but I am told it is a lot better then it used to be. My friends just got back from a trip to Europe, lucky bastards, nice pics I want to go to Prague really bad now. Or even to the Ukraine, the exchange rate there is amazing im told, a beer and a hot dog for 1.25 USD, a full course meal for 10.25 USD that is with two pitchures of beer, and dessert, with the tip.

Who needs jokes when you have real life? I was reading one of my favorite online computer magazines and in it they post real life stories. this one just really made me laugh!

User stops support pilot fish in the hall and says, "My laptop won't connect to the Internet at home anymore." Fish: Did we configure the laptop for wireless? User: "I don't know." Who is your ISP? "I don't know." Did you set up your own wireless system at home? "I don't know." Hmm, thinks fish, then asks, "Did someone close by move recently?" User: "Yes, my upstairs neighbor." Fish: "I think it's time to move."

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat avaialable. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

=============================

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."

=============================


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down the the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 A.M. and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then goes home. "Where the Hell have you been?!?!?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but it was closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered in powder and..."You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!"

now that last one i liked, glad you were able to come back with some good jokes!

Nort wrote: › now that last one i liked, glad you were able to come back with some good jokes!

I'm having to dig down deep now...

Surprised you didn't like the Tech support one...