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Joke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT**
 
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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:05 pm   Post subject:  Joke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT** Back to top 

Laughing is fun. So is sarcasm.

I'll use this thread to post some daily comedy for you all to enjoy. I am certainly not the author or creator of anything contained hereafter:

-BECKhanson
-------------------------------------------

Guys - start shopping for Christmas next year. The perfect gift for your wife/girlfriend.



NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that.
But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi- regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating out:.. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

-original author unknown

Accurate Portrayal of the sexes


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PostYou have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:30 pm   Post subject:   Back to top 

HAHAHAH LMAO!!!!!!
Nice find Beck,funny shit. Laughing

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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:02 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

-----------------
A guy walks into a bar. Before he can even order a drink he notices a horse standing in the corner with a big pot of money in front of him. Puzzeled, he asks the bar tendor what is up with that horse.
"That is a little game actually," states the bar tendor. "You put a dollar in the pot, and whisper anything in the horses ear you want. If you can make that horse laugh, that money is yours!"
"Oh, is that is?" Asks the man, "that'll be a piece of cake."
So he walks over, puts a dollar in the pot, and whispers something in the horses ear. For the first time, the horse started laughing hysterically. Satisfied, the man picks up his prize and leaves.

A year later, the man returns to the bar, only to see the same horse, with a whole new pot full of money in front of him. The man asks the bar tendor, "Hey, is it still the same deal?"
"Not quite, this time, you have to do something to make the horse cry."
The man puts in his dollar, and does something that no one can see. A smile appears on the mans face as a whimpering sound comes from the horses mouth. The bar tendor is astonished! "How did you do that?" he asks.
"Well," replies the man, "The first time I told him I have a bigger penis than he does. And this time, I proved it to him."

Laughing Laughing

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:17 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Well it prolly would've been funnier if it wasn't a true story.....THAT MAN IS ME!!!!!! Laughing

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:46 pm   Post subject:   Back to top 

At first I thought it was a life story of BECK.. but now I see who was involved Smile

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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Sun Jan 08, 2006 11:38 pm   Post subject:   Back to top 

Kinda dumb, but I was in a hurry tonight...
--------------------------------------------------
The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Imma just tellum my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 09, 2006 9:51 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Laughing
Dead Cow & The Mermaid



On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Laughing

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:48 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

LMAO!!!!! Now that's a good joke. Laughing

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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:19 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Laughing
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going up into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner lady, who was appreciably easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more shapely woman who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she exclaimed. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute "drop dead" beauty. Slim, attractive, busty, the works. "Have wild gorilla sex with me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound grotesque man with armpit hair showing and flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man questioned. "Hello" grunted the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"
Laughing

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:27 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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BECK
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PostYou have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:36 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Some bonus comedy today - Stev0, you should appreciate this one.... Wink

---------------------

All About Scooby-Doo.


What We Remember:

Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.


The Truth:

Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy's mask off to solve a mystery,.. but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids always seem to 'find' trouble.
It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence: Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.
Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slingin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin' their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

-ORIGINAL AUTHOR UNKNOWN

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:45 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Just as I expected,I always knew Shaggy and Scoob where wasted,and that Fred was waxin Daphne.........but Velma and Scooby makin sweet lovin.....total surprise. Shocked Shocked

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 11, 2006 9:56 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Laughing
The Smartest Dog


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Laughing

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PostYou have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:10 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Get the latest keyboards from Dell:


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PostYou have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 12, 2006 10:34 am   Post subject:   Back to top 

Does it have a "GO FUCK YOURSELF U FUCKING HAXOR" button? Smile

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