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Instruments of War ComedyJoke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT**

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#31: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 25, 2006 9:54 am

Ice cream...

A little boy is in school woking on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and saya to her "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The liitle boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away, leaving none on the fence." She replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting her cone, and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?" The teacher ponders the question uncomforatbly and then finally says, "Well, I guess the one sucking her ice cream cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

#32: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 25, 2006 10:44 am

HHAHAHAH Now that's a good joke Laughing

#33: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:53 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › LOL Beck those are some good jokes. Perfect for "work" because Im "working" right now. LOL Im getting paid to make a post muhahahaha

It's great, isn't it?

wait....."ching ching ching"......that's the money that is flowing into my bank account right now....."ching ching ching".....still flowing, still posting!

Laughing

-BECK

Some occupational humor for us "workers":
----------------------------------

Top 10 things that sound dirty at the office, but aren't

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Better Learn the Language First!
A Texas engineer while in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ``Gama Su!, Gama Su!''. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese engineering colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling ``Gama Su! Gama Su!''. Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: ``Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?''

Anatomy by Profession
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like software engineers. You open them up and do everything at a keyboard."

The fifth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

#34: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:12 pm

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Beck I suppose that you are sent these jokes by email? Or do you spend your time at work looking for good jokes? Oh the mysteries of Posting Whoring.

Actually, I'm harvesting these from a joke website that I made back in the 90's, that still out on Tripod. I'd put the URL here, but I'd rather not so that I can just keep putting the jokes I like here instead.

Back then, almost all of the jokes did come from e-mails I had received over the years.

#35: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:31 am

Yo bechanson nice jokes but i donot seem to understand the small head. But never mind all i wanted to say is plz do not sent the link. Then it will be boring.

#36: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:45 am

Like Made said to Onslaught..We can explain it to you,but then it wouldn't be as funny. Wink

#37: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:08 am

Omega - you're from Sri Lanka, right (cool BTW) -- so the "little head" think may be a cultural thing for you. It means something to us Americans....I'll leave it at that.

I won't post the link, just keep placing selected gems here...

Speaking of jokes people don't get - only the oldest of us (Nort, Stev0, Made and a few others, I'm sure) will probably think this is funny:

-BECK

------------------------------------------

You Know You're A Child of the 80's when....

- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". - You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. - Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a Child of the 80's!!!!

#38: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:16 am

Ah yes...the 80's,such a great decade. The only decade u could roll up the bottom of your pants and it actually would be considered cool. Rolling Eyes

Do you guys remember the Sigma bikes,with the wheel covers?I always wanted one of those but never got one. Sad

And I pity the fool who never had a swatch!!!

#39: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:46 am

STEVOOO420 wrote: › Ah yes...the 80's,such a great decade. The only decade u could roll up the bottom of your pants and it actually would be considered cool. Rolling Eyes

Do you guys remember the Sigma bikes,with the wheel covers?I always wanted one of those but never got one. Sad

And I pity the fool who never had a swatch!!!

Bonus points for Stev0 - nice use of the "A-Team" Mr. T lingo there!

Oh man - BMX bikes were the shit in the 80s - I remember the wheel covers! And the black and white checker-pattern bar pads, to go with your checker-pattern Vans.

#40: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 1:30 am

MadeInTheUSA wrote: › Do you remember the movie Rad? It had a ton of BMX bikes. Any way yes I, do remeber most of that stuff.

Shit yeah! I used to watch that movie like every weekend. Embarassed

#41: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:41 am

Dude,I actually paid for the DVD version with the Soundtrack on ebay.The company actually doesn't make a DVD.......technology these days. Cool

#42: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:12 am

I'd prolly be bitching at you if it wasn't true. O well.....(sings)Send me an angel,send me an angel,right now. Laughing

#43: Author: BECK,

You have posted in this forum: Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:29 am

OMG! Laughing

Fucking "Rad". I haven't thought of that shit for years.....I think my parents still have the VHS at their house.

I always thought the race at the end of the movie was the shit...so you actually bought the DVD from E-Bay? Man, if someone is selling it, someone will buy it. What a great world we live in.

- BECK

-----------------------------------

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:

"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

#44: Author: OmegaBlade,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:45 am

LOL u should have posted it in yr joke post. FOr that is a good one. Razz

#45: Author: StEVoNuB420,

You have posted in this forum: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:56 am

OmegaBlade wrote: › LOL u should have posted it in yr joke post. FOr that is a good one. Razz

UHHHh what do you think he did? Rolling Eyes

Instruments of War ComedyJoke of the day - **MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT**

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