Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Test

If some of you dont know I, work in the I.T. field. This is something my co-workers and I came up with.

The STFU server was trying to process a WTF command and got an ID 10 T error.

I am going to reset your F.O.A.D.

Please wait a few moments while the WTH finishes loading.

My father sent me this one...


Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down
for the answer...



















He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.


I've got mine shutting down right now.

shit, work wont let me shut down the pc and go home. but i should be shutting down i failed thatone also

HAHAH don't feel bad,here I am in front of the computer putting on some imaginary sunglasses on. :lol: :lol:

My sister sent me this one...

Quickie #1:
One day, Jay came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2:
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

Quickie #4:
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he
had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the
letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5:
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Quickie #6:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

Quickie #7:
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

There are four types of a women's orgasm

1. Postive Orgasm-------- Oh Yes! Oh Yes!
2. Negative Orgasm------ Oh No! Oh No!
3. Religious Orgasm------ Oh God! Oh God!
4. Fake Orgasm----------- Oh PistolPete! Oh PistolPete!

:]

A husband and a wife are driving some where far and suddenly they have a fight and are mad at each other. When they are passing through the farm the wife says that those pigs are relation to u. And the husband says "yes they are my in-laws."

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or
not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucketbecause it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

How do u guys come up with this jokes. These are killing me......... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ANGER MANAGEMENT
Body: When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd
been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in
front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

While omega was walking in the strees Peter saw him and noticed that omega had one glove in one hand and not on the other so he asked why. Omega replied that the weather forecast said that on one hand it will be warm and on the other hand it will be cold.

Teacher: Omega how old were you on your very last birthday?
Omega: 14
Teacher:Then how old will you be on your next birthday?
Omega: 16
Teacher: Thats impossible!
Omega: No teacher, I'm 15 today


A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. "You know" he said, "its been 10 years since i came here." "Don't blame me," the waiter snapped, "I'm working as fast as i can."